Losing Control...and Not Handling it Well

This new chapter has brought a truckload of changes for our family.  Three weeks ago I was keeping the schedule for all five Ruhlmans, working a part time job at church, coordinating a large MOPS group, cooking all the meals, running everyone to appointments, knowing where everyone left everything and all the normal things that come with being a stay at home mom to three busy kids.  Now, nurses call and tell me when and where to show up, I'm told what meds to take on what days, friends bring meals, friends at work are covering my events and the team of amazing women that I lead at MOPS are handling our group like rockstars.  On top of all of this, my amazing tribe of supporters have been so generous with cards, gifts and tokens of love and support. Here's the catch...I'm not sick yet.  Right now I just have a lump and a schedule full of appointments.  So convincing myself to accept all of this love and support has been a larger than normal adjustment for me.  

I'm the friend that shows up in a crisis, I coordinate the meal train, I collect the money and shop for a gift, I lead the voluntelling charge and show up when people need it and don't know it.  I've never been on the receiving end, I've never thought about how many people I have helped support because it always came naturally.  I've been more than overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support.  Unfortunately, that translates to the people closest to me bearing the weight of my meltdowns. They have suffered through my tears, my ungratefulness, my MESSY.  They loved me through it, they gave me the grace that I knew I would need and they gave me permission to meltdown.  They knew I would come around with love, acceptance and gratitude - but they allowed me to get there in my own time and in my own way.  To be completely honest, this sucks! There isn't a good time in life for cancer but for me, I have young kids and cancer and I hate it.  Their busy lives don't stop just because I have cancer.  It's not normal that I have to explain chemotherapy to my kids.  I have to answer direct questions about my mortality, I have to explain why I won't be the one picking them up from school, I have to be honest with them and allow them the space to say that this sucks for them too and I have to help them through their tantrums while throwing my own.  All of those things make me angry, grumpy and not in a place mentally to see all the love around me...but guess what, my people keep showing up.  Gifts still show up from friends old and new.  Cards still arrive with love and understanding.  Neighbors still pop in with gifts, hugs and offers of "whatever you need, just ask". People still stop me and hug me.  All of these to show me that even in my darkest time they will love me through it.  I'm trying to be better at accepting all of these things with the grace and love that my former self would, but it's hard because I'm not that woman anymore.  I don't see life the same way as I did three weeks ago, it's darker now and I feel broken more than I feel whole. 

In all of my brokenness I was able to take control of something.  I called upon my beloved hair extraordinaire, Valerie, and asked her to give me a super short haircut.  To send all of her hard work and my perfectly highlighted hair swishing down the cape and falling to the ground.  The hair that I have spent years growing out, the hair that can be worn straight or curly, the hair that is usually in a top knot but sometimes has curls.  Cancer and chemotherapy may be the motivator for the change but it doesn't get to take that moment from me.  We laughed, we cried and we prepared for my next steps.  I won't be surprised when it falls out, I won't be standing in the shower with chunks of long hair in my hands.  This happened on my terms, this happened at a time I scheduled, with a friend that I love.  My kids got to see it happen slowly and told me I look like a rockstar.  The hair is different but the smile is the same, that will never change!  

Tuesday is my first infusion and the prayers that I seek are for my body to accept the aggressive treatment.  That I truly am strong enough to withstand what it will take to evict this uninvited guest from my body.  That I can find a balance between my healing and my desire to continue to care for my kids in the extraordinary way that they have known.  That the adults in the lives of my children will offer them the love and grace that they may need over the next few months.  Prayers that I can start accepting the help with the love that it is intended without feeling helpless.  

Before

 After

With love,

Robin