The Ruhlman Rundown

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2 Years Since Chemo

I sat in church last week and the congregation stood and started singing one of my favorite Matt Maher songs and a tear snuck down my cheek. I grabbed the hand of my son sitting next to me to help me keep it together. It’s incredible how a song can bring back a flood of memories. From the moment I was diagnosed I had many tearful conversations with God. In the first few days I kept asking “Why? Why me? Why now? I have young kids and so many plans. Why? I need to know why.” I snuck in church the first Sunday after I met with my oncologist into a back-row seat. The entire row all to myself. I typically sat alongside my usual crew and we would exchange glances, smiles and worship together. This day was different, I had a secret and I hadn’t accepted the reality of it and I surely wasn’t ready to share it. Now that I had settled into my solo spot; Chip, our Pastor of Worship and Music, stood at the front of the room asking all of us to stand. Guitar in hand he started strummin...

COVID, Kids and Cancer

So many things have happened since my last post. At the very top of the list is COVID-19. This means something completely different for our family with me currently receiving chemotherapy. The stakes are so much higher when you're a Mom of three young kids, fighting cancer and trying to avoid becoming a victim of this pandemic. The words "I can't get this!" while tears stream down my face are part of my every day life. I have to hear my boys say things like "I wish the virus was extinct like the dinosaurs.", "I just want to play with my friends.", "I miss GaGa and PaPa.", "Why can't we go to Target?", and "I wish we could just eat in a restaurant.". My standard answer is always, "Me too sweetie, me too.". I never imagined that my cancer path would include homeschooling and entertaining my three boys. I specifically chose Tuesdays as my infusion day to shelter the boys from my "rest" days...

Days Three and Four

Let’s talk about the days following chemotherapy infusions. Day 1: Chemo Day Day 2: shaky, weak and felt pumped full of drugs but still have to go to the center to receive a shot Day 3: IV anti nausea meds have worn off and I was awoken at 2:30 am to a child with a bloody nose. Fix sweet angel and get him back to bed. Had to make the tough decision to wait on the good meds so they will not wear off while I was in route to an appointment. I would rather be sick at home than in the car or at the surgeons office. I decided to wait it out with goldfish crackers and water. I made it until 7AM and rescued myself with breakfast and Zofran. The rest of the day was a full time job of small meals, rest and meds at the precise right times to continue playing the game of keep the terrible nausea monster at bay. Day 4: This time it was a 3AM wake up call from a different sweet angel with a nightmare. We snuggled in tight on my side of the bed and drifted back to sleep. At 6AM my stomach realize...

The First Treatment

In the beginning of chemotherapy talks I had insisted that I wanted to go alone. That I wanted to be alone and experience this and be able to sit and process my feelings about all of this. At the time of that statement I was still extremely overwhelmed and felt surrounded by too many people. Once the day got closer I realized that having someone there was going to be helpful. However, the Mom in me would never want to inconvenience someone for up to five hours. So I decided that turning this in to more of a “coffee date” or “lunch date” would make me feel less of a burden. For the record, I am now very aware that my friends and family do not see any of this as a burden. They see it as an opportunity to love and support me, just as I have supported them over the years. No matter how much they inform you, there is no way to know how your first infusion of chemotherapy will effect you personally. You can’t predict reactions, feelings or side effects. You can only anticipate the pos...

Losing Control...and Not Handling it Well

This new chapter has brought a truckload of changes for our family. Three weeks ago I was keeping the schedule for all five Ruhlmans, working a part time job at church, coordinating a large MOPS group, cooking all the meals, running everyone to appointments, knowing where everyone left everything and all the normal things that come with being a stay at home mom to three busy kids. Now, nurses call and tell me when and where to show up, I'm told what meds to take on what days, friends bring meals, friends at work are covering my events and the team of amazing women that I lead at MOPS are handling our group like rockstars. On top of all of this, my amazing tribe of supporters have been so generous with cards, gifts and tokens of love and support. Here's the catch...I'm not sick yet. Right now I just have a lump and a schedule full of appointments. So convincing myself to accept all of this love and support has been a larger than normal adjustment for me. ...

My Veins Don't Have to Hide Anymore

Check in time today was 7:15AM and since I had to have someone drive me that meant my Dad dropped my Mom and I off at the door at 6:50AM, because "on time is late". That left John at home to run the morning chorus of chaos on his own. My Dad returned to our house to chauffeur the next set of Ruhlmans to their destination and then go back to school to drop off glasses that were forgotten. One last task for Pops of getting the #LittlestRuhlman picked up by his carpool to preschool, while John got busy working. Today was port-a-cath day. For those that haven't been through cancer school, it is a small device that got tucked right under the skin near my collar bone and has a catheter attached that feeds right in to a vein in my neck. This will allow all of my meds, infusions, and blood draws to happen at this one pain free spot, instead of my exhausted veins. Veins that no long bleed, veins that roll and hide at the mention of "lab work". My regularly b...