It all started with a lump.
One pesky bump that appeared in my armpit. The pesky bump became an annoyance that wasn't going away and I realized it was time to see my doctor. She was concerned and diligent. Since I'm approaching my 40th birthday, she sent me for a mammogram and tacked on an ultrasound so that we could get some more info on this lump. The radiologist reading my scans is a breast specialist and was intrigued by my new "guest". She scheduled a biopsy and performed it herself. Then you wait...and wait...and wait. The phone finally rings and my doctor is on the other end. This is the moment my world changed forever.
This is the moment that cancer became part of my story.
However, it wasn't like in the movies. There wasn't a specific diagnosis with timelines and a time for questions. There were words like unknown, carcinoma, oncologist. I met with an oncologist and I hear things like..."this is a unique case, you are special, I'm not sure that we've seen this present like this before". I have zero problem with being unique and special, but those are not terms you want to hear when you have JUST found out that you have cancer.
I instantly have a mind that is racing with questions, What kind of Cancer? What stage? Am I going to have chemotherapy? Am I going to die?
None of these questions can be answered because we don't even know where this started but we know that this specific lymph node has a nodule that is cancer. We can only begin to answer these questions with a list of scans. Scans that can't happen until insurance approves them. Scans that can't happen until the schedule has availability. Scans that have me stripped of everything from the waist up, strapped to a table face down, dripping with sweat, arms above my head, hands going numb, while having a mini panic attack with twenty minutes remaining but if we stop we'll have to start over from the beginning. Scans that have me injected with radioactive glucose, so we can find what is feeding this uninvited guest in my body. While all this happens my mind is racing on the tracks of a runaway rollercoaster of possibilities. I kept myself distracted with my family but nothing stops a mother's mind from wandering...not when the unknown is lingering over her like a haunting nightmare.
For the last week we've carried this news that rocked our world...I have cancer. All of the scans have confirmed that I have breast cancer. They also confirmed that the rest of my body is clear of anything at this time. I will start chemotherapy in the next couple of weeks.
I have a faith in Christ that is strong, a loving husband, three amazing boys and a supportive group of family and friends. However, I have breast cancer. Those words are not easy to say and they instantly bring tears to my eyes. This may be part of my story but this will not be the end of my story...for God tells me in Proverbs 31:25 that "She is clothed in STRENGTH and DIGNITY, and she laughs without fear of the future." I can't say that I laugh without fear of the future, but this verse will remind me that it is possible to laugh like that again. What our family needs right now is prayers and buckets of grace. The road ahead won't be easy but I have no doubt that I'm strong enough to endure it.
One pesky bump that appeared in my armpit. The pesky bump became an annoyance that wasn't going away and I realized it was time to see my doctor. She was concerned and diligent. Since I'm approaching my 40th birthday, she sent me for a mammogram and tacked on an ultrasound so that we could get some more info on this lump. The radiologist reading my scans is a breast specialist and was intrigued by my new "guest". She scheduled a biopsy and performed it herself. Then you wait...and wait...and wait. The phone finally rings and my doctor is on the other end. This is the moment my world changed forever.
This is the moment that cancer became part of my story.
However, it wasn't like in the movies. There wasn't a specific diagnosis with timelines and a time for questions. There were words like unknown, carcinoma, oncologist. I met with an oncologist and I hear things like..."this is a unique case, you are special, I'm not sure that we've seen this present like this before". I have zero problem with being unique and special, but those are not terms you want to hear when you have JUST found out that you have cancer.
I instantly have a mind that is racing with questions, What kind of Cancer? What stage? Am I going to have chemotherapy? Am I going to die?
None of these questions can be answered because we don't even know where this started but we know that this specific lymph node has a nodule that is cancer. We can only begin to answer these questions with a list of scans. Scans that can't happen until insurance approves them. Scans that can't happen until the schedule has availability. Scans that have me stripped of everything from the waist up, strapped to a table face down, dripping with sweat, arms above my head, hands going numb, while having a mini panic attack with twenty minutes remaining but if we stop we'll have to start over from the beginning. Scans that have me injected with radioactive glucose, so we can find what is feeding this uninvited guest in my body. While all this happens my mind is racing on the tracks of a runaway rollercoaster of possibilities. I kept myself distracted with my family but nothing stops a mother's mind from wandering...not when the unknown is lingering over her like a haunting nightmare.
For the last week we've carried this news that rocked our world...I have cancer. All of the scans have confirmed that I have breast cancer. They also confirmed that the rest of my body is clear of anything at this time. I will start chemotherapy in the next couple of weeks.
I have a faith in Christ that is strong, a loving husband, three amazing boys and a supportive group of family and friends. However, I have breast cancer. Those words are not easy to say and they instantly bring tears to my eyes. This may be part of my story but this will not be the end of my story...for God tells me in Proverbs 31:25 that "She is clothed in STRENGTH and DIGNITY, and she laughs without fear of the future." I can't say that I laugh without fear of the future, but this verse will remind me that it is possible to laugh like that again. What our family needs right now is prayers and buckets of grace. The road ahead won't be easy but I have no doubt that I'm strong enough to endure it.
Robin, you are strong and courageous. God will be with you wherever you go and whatever battles you face Joshua 1:9
ReplyDeleteBe strong, dear Robin. We will never allow you to be alone on this road.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you and your family. Believing for healing. (Lena - aka John's co-worker)
ReplyDelete